Philosophy girl

I read that the skills you need for a PhD are 1. Persistence 2. Persistence and 3. Persistence, others also cite 4. Arrogance and 5. Intelligence. Is it normal for undergraduates to feel totally incapable and unqualified? Is this the imposter syndrome which all prospective and acting academic suffer from? I wish I had people in my life that I could ask these questions, but I think for a while I’ll be having dialogues with myself.

I know deeply that I need to continue my research, publish my findings, that this work can’t die with me, but when it comes to becoming a doctorate student my self-belief fails. I know I’m a fabulous classicst, but do I have the cold hard research skills? the confidence to fuel the persistence? The ability to defend ideas that sometimes I can bearly articulate to myself? When it comes to reading Plato there’s a degree of mysticism and ‘right-brain’ understanding, but how is this compatible with academia? I will need to work harder than I ever have before to make this dream a reality.

There are still certain things I need to come to terms with, the parts of myself that I’m not very proud of or that I think are getting in the way of things… I spend way to much time watching TV, I don’t read enough books, and it takes me an unreasonbable time to read and comprehend papers compared to my peers. Classics was an easy decision but it’s going to be hard work.

I really want this, and theoretically I’m prepared to work harder than I ever have before, but sometimes I doubt that I have that effort to give. I was in an awful place when I finished my degree, I felt completely empty. I went to therapy and things got better, but now the fears and doubts are creeping back. I’ve got to prove to myself again that I am capable of good hard work, I seem to have forgotten it.

I’ll check back in with a few Platonic practices for self-doubt and shirking hard work. Breath in, breath out, it’s not scary because its hard, it’s scary because you’re afraid to fail. Breath in, breath out, you should be proud of what you’ve achieved, know you can achieve again.

All my love to anyone reading this,

TY